04.18.11 // My Mondays
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re kinda sorta maybe just a little bit out of synch with yourself? You see the path where you want to be walking, and yet, for a handful of reasons – some of which are out of your control, but most of which are totally within it – you continue to meander down a different path altogether? Do you ever feel like you’re losing yourself? Even just a little bit?
I will be 26 years old on Thursday. I feel so far away from where I thought I would be by this age…and I’m not really sure where these mental constructs came from. I don’t think they came from any outside sources; I’m pretty damn sure they all came from within myself. So, what’s my bloody problem?!
I’ve been sick for over a week and a half, and it’s equated to me not really sleeping for over a week and a half. These factors are just making all other stressors currently in my world seem that much more difficult to deal with right now. I’m getting really cranky, and I don’t do cranky all that often. I don’t like it.
I went to bed late and got up early. Decided to take a short nap. I actually DID sleep – which was awesome! – but I also had really terrible dreams. One of which involved some weird illustration of some warped image of someone super close to me; apparently I have some kind of fear about them festering in my subconscious and didn’t really realize it until I awoke with a start from this dream thinking “What the WHAT, man?!”
If I just screamed really loudly – would that help me at all? Possibly. But it would probably irritate my throat so much that my icky cough would just get that much worse…and that would be no bueno. Do I need to just take a day to kinda vegetate and sort through my mental shit? Maybe. Do I really want to spend a whole day focusing on this kind of mentality though? Maybe not. Probably not. No – not really. No. No, I don’t.
I do a whole lot most of the time…but it still doesn’t seem to be enough for me at this point. I KNOW I can be doing more, and I know I NEED to be doing more. So, guess what that means – I’m gonna start bloody-well DOING more dammit! Yes I am. I don’t like where I currently am, so it’s time to grab those reins of my life, and re-take the control that I’m used to having over it.
I don’t get in a rut like this all that often, but when I do it feels really awful, and dark, and lonely. Being able to be honest about it a little bit through this avenue of exposed prose has been a wickedly different approach for me… but it feels good! All of “this” is no longer sitting on my brain. It’s “out there” now, which means I can now start to focus on the “do something about it” part. It is what it is, so now what. Now I continue to move forward.
If any of this connected with you in any way to any degree – I implore you to explore connection to help pull you out of it. I implore you to be honest with yourself, and then to purge your system of whatever is currently holding you down. “Yeah, that’s great – and then what?” I can hear your asking me with “that” kinda tone. Well, my little budding begonias – then you figure out what you can do to keep on moving forward.
Even if you just write it out and immediately tear it up and throw it away – just get it out of your system! These thoughts become SO super toxic to ourselves and our systems. So, just like with trying to re-vamp your physical self, help your mental health out and treat yourself to a bit of detox! Whatever avenues of detox are most potent, effective, and long-lasting for you – do ‘em! Do it do it do it! You deserve it.
Dwelling on the problems tends to hardcore lack in the arena of productivity. Even if you need to move a bit slower for a spell than your typical pace – do that! Listen to your gut. Just keep moving forward, yeah? Yeah.
And now…I must try to figure out this weird dream situation…becaaaaaause…it’s making me feel like putting more distance between me and someone who I really just want to be even closer to me than they already are…so I need to get this beast in check. Put the kibash on this nasty bout of sub-conscious attempted self-sabotage. Kazah!
Thanks so much for listening… The positive impact was felt from afar I assure you.
Now go! And rock the rest of your day like the hurricane that you are! :)
with passion & gratitude — jb