Movie: Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry
Ai Weiwei, artist consultant at the Beijing Olympics and Time Magazine Person of the Year runner-up, demonstrates the diplomatic skill that has warmed the hearts of Chinese bureaucrats everywhere. This may not be destined to be a number one box office smash, even though the imagery certainly seems to suggest that kind of success.
Movie: Alfie the Little Werewolf
Seriously, doesn’t this kid look like Jay North in the 1959 TV show? But the coolest-looking figures on the poster are hidden in the corners: that tiny, psychotic-looking blue cartoon creature at lower right and the guy with what look like birthday-cake candles on his head at lower left. What is he, a crossdressing Lucia Bride?
Movie: Beneath the Darkness
Sure, Beneath the Darkness is a fine title for a flick about a Texas high-school quarterback-turned-mortician hunted by that girl from Friday Night Lights. But wouldn’t it have been better to call it DOA, Suspect, Flesh and Bone, Far from Heaven, or What to Expect When You’re Expiring?
This movie is stalked by legendary, two-fisted, bipedal humanoid creatures seldom captured on camera — and Bigfoot! The hairy mythical beast knocked former child-stars-turned-boxing-show pugilists Danny “Partridge Family” Bonaduce and Barry “Brady Bunch” Williams off the poster of this action adventure from The Asylum, which is obviously looking to tap into the lucrative Harry and the Hendersons demographic.
Movie: Beyond the Moonwalk
You know he’s bad, he’s bad, come on, he’s really, really bad. But come on! He’s really, really not Michael Jackson. How do we know? He didn’t try to bleach his face. The poster for this documentary about a street dancing tribute act to the King of Pop’s music is clearly no thriller.
Movie: Patty’s Catchup
If you see only one movie this Cannes about a top-secret German sausage sauce…Patty’s Catchup from Media Luna New Films’ pits an evil silver-suited sausage magnate against Patty’s plucky trio
of wurst merchants, whose family inheritance is the world’s best sausage sauce. Can they compete with the sausage king’s combo of maniacal gloat and slacker goatee? We can only hope.
Movie: Zombies at Christmas
We understand why the shotgun. Zombies hate shotguns. But why the mop and plumber’s friend? And why isn’t the movie called God Rest Ye, Buried Gentlemen? Or Silent Night of the Living Dead? Marketers must be hoping that someone will want to put this straight-to-home video release under their worst enemy’s Christmas tree.
Moon: check. Aging dame craving a romance: check. Romantic Italian bakery near Manhattan: check. All that’s missing is Cher to make this Moonstruck makeover complete. But since the producers couldn’t afford Hollywood’s greatest facelift they’ve chosen to have the heroine face away. But what’s that guy doing with his hands in his pants?
Movie: Fireheart: The Legend of Tadas Blinda
Who wouldn’t warm to a Lithuanian take on Braveheart that apparently outsold Avatar in the Baltic nation. We don’t know who this Tadas Blinda guy is, but he deserves respect if he can put the smackdown on Jim Cameron. After all you can’t call yourself “king of the world” if you haven’t conquered the massive Lithuanian market.
Movie: Twigson in Trouble
We know it’s supposed to be a heartwarming, family-friendly poster for the sequel to the sequel to a hit Scandinavian film. But could it look any creepier? And could that alder woman’s nose job be any more obvious? Let’s hope that the marketeers, who clearly want to branch out and ensure several more generations of wooden family fun, are not barking up the wrong tree.
Movie: May I Kill You
It’s a psychopath on the cycle path in this bike cop version of Bad Lieutenant. We’re not sure what made this two-wheeled lawman break bad, but we know BAFTA-nominated comic and Muppet Treasure Islandstar Kevin Bishop looks awfully friendly for a homicidal cop. He might have lost his mind but at least, if the title is any guide, he’s kept his manners.
Movie: Rape of the Soul
For a movie that purports to expose scenes of horror and weirdness hidden in paintings by Da Vinci and Botticelli, you need a poster that screams paranoia. These Day of the Dead-style skeletons in Papal headgear are certainly weird, but they look more like a couple fun loving undead popes on vacation in Death Valley.
with passion & gratitude — jennifer